Challenge 21 - The Lap Dance

Could it be true? Say it isn't so! In my attempt to shake things up and get a life I have traded one rut for another.

Stairs ... origami ... yoga ... stairs ... origami ... yoga ...

See a pattern forming?

I go in search of more interesting exercise. Feel frumpy anyway - feeling aided by the fact I bought a second pair of Birkenstocks today (my feet are in love. They betray me!).

Find exercise that not only burns calories but makes me into instant sex kitten. Hurrah! Allow me to introduce CARMEN ELECTRA'S FIT TO STRIP - The Lap Dance! Heck, I'm all for any exercise that involves sitting down.

This is not Denise Austin, darling of the discreet and dainty 80s workout crowd. This is in -your-face (sorry) hands-on (sorry, sorry) give-it-up-baby (yeah I give up) 'exercise' routines from the Real McCoy.

Watch Miss Electra introduce herself and explain how awesomely sexy we're all going to be by the end. I'm pumped. I'm ready.

I'm being observed by my three year old ...

Plug him into a computer chess game and retreat to air conditioned privacy of bedroom. Dim lights. A layer of cigarette smoke and the sour smell of desperation and I could be in any strip club in the world. Have chair with imaginary fat truck driver. Don't have knee boots with four inch heel but Birkenstocks feel fine (excellent arch support).

Grab back of chair, lean forward and shake bum from side to side: one two, and one two, and one two. I'm feelin' it! Hit pause and run to ensuite to check sexy-quotient. Look mildly sweaty and confused. Try more bum swings. One two, and one two. Four minutes in and I pull a hamstring. Massage it out in sexy manner.

Next bit: sit on chair and do some sort of Whoopty Do. Run back to ensuite and apply make up so I don't feel wierd rubbing own thighs while watching DVD of strange woman with strategic enhancements.

Something feels wrong. Technique? Trunk size? Belief in my own Woman Power? All of the above, really.

Miss Electra finishes and I'm finished. Look at DVD case. Lap Dance is for Advanced Whores (I mean Ladies). Okay. Resolve to start at beginning of series. Then test out on Partner. Mwa ha haaa! He shall tremble before me!

Conclusion: I'll never look at a chair the same way again.