Okay, Carmen Electra. I admit I was under-prepared for Fit to Strip - The Lap Dance. I was arrogant. I was ambitious. I was so bad the chair was embarrassed.
Not this time, My Pretty. This time have done my homework:
1. Watched Demi Moore in Striptease (Oscar-worthy performance by her bottom sadly overshadowed by Burt Reynolds' surgical resurrection and scary toupee).
2. Have fancy painted toenails (Ladybirds - very sexy, but maybe only if you are Man Ladybird, which in itself is sexually confusing).
3. Have gone blonde (Eeek!)
4. Rented Fit to Strip Vol 1 (uses words like 'basic', 'introduction' and 'low impact' - that's me!).
Miss Electra tells me she's going to work my thighs, hips, buns and abs. Mmmm ... buns ... No! Workout now, buns later. Witness my self-control!
Says a good warm-up is key to avoiding injury. Wish she'd mentioned that on the Lap Dance DVD before I pulled a hamstring getting intimate with a piece of furniture. Okay, doing warm-up.
'5, 6, 7, 8 and 2, 2, 3,4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 4 ...'
Give up trying to count with Carmen. Must be sub rosa stripper algorithm too advanced for my feeble brain.
Instructed to do Cat Cow yoga pose. Try to make cow look sexy but only manage cow who really needs milking. Ponder this and decide it's probably the same thing. Only so much a cow can do, really.
Says 'hip rolls' are foundation for any good striptease. Finally! I have hip rolls - probably from too many buns.
Finish warm-up and get into The Routine. Excitement palpable. Miss Electra toying with me like co-ed with down-filled pillow and glint in her eye. I follow obediently. Swing head in circles with abandon and glasses fly off. Deduce strippers must wear contacts (notable exception - naughty school ma'am routine).
I'm with her all the way: '5, 6, 7, 8-' bend down, grab ankles, slide up, touch butt and smack it. What? Must be punishment for buns. Or rolls ...
Realise I'm still in PJs. Oh well. Had to come off sooner or later.
Phew! Am hungry after all that creeping, crawling, slapping and slinking. Have sticky bun in fridge. It's her fault ... all that talk of buns. But I have secret weapon! Hold Haematite Stone Blessed by Gnomes and resist bun. Kazam! It works!
Sit down with Master Three to watch re-runs of Battlestar Gallactica. We do nothing but have cuddles and eat ham & cheese toasties for a whole hour.
It's going to be a good day. Yes sir, I can feel it in my bones.
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